"The Theory" Poem

"How evolution works"
  Nevin Hawlman

For those of you who were not educated by recent text books,
nor by teachers who were;
the way Eva Lution works is this:
One day a round flat stone evolves which rolls when it's turned on its edge. <---No big deal.

Then amazingly, it develops a hole in its center, with a Stick sticking in the hole. And Very much later an identical stone is found to have evolved on the other end of the Stick. <---BIG deal !!

Then this thing reproduces, and we have four wheels on two axles. Somehow they magically get connected over many millions of years and we have a wag-on, with no way to wag it. So a motor joins in the magic, and we have a Model E car.
"E" stands for Evolution. <---VERY Big deal !!!

Then it seems reasonable that this evolved contraption
needs a way to steer it and a seat for the steerer.

No problem; after many millions of years a leather power seat with adjustable lumbar support,
and a padded steering wheel with horn, cruise control, and airbag evolves.

Then Eva gets the urge to race this thing, so she makes the motor reproduce more cylinders. Eureka, a V-8. Now she runs this sucker down the dirt track and her hair is blown about by the wind, so a wind shield evolves with embedded satellite radio antenna, windshield wipers, windshield washer, fluid and reservoir, tubing, pump, and switch on the turn-signal lever(which had evolved that time she made a wrong turn in front of a galloping Seismosaurus).

Of course, it must be understood that all of the foregoing is so VERY much simpler than to evolve Eyes filled with Vitreous Fluid containing Phagocytic Cells to remove unwanted debris in the field of vision. And with muscles to move them in unison, and eye lids and lashes with blinking/winking muscles, and pupil, and lens, and cornea, and dilation, and tears and tear ducts and glands to produce tears, and optic nerve to transmit the images to the brain.

OR for a Mother to evolve an embryo-creating structure,
and an umbilical cord to nourish the fetus
and remove its waste.
And mammary glands which are triggered by fertilization to create nourishment

in ANTICIPATION AND PREPARATION for the impending birth.

OR even to evolve a weed Seed containing new life "according to its own kind".

It must be remembered that the bottom line is production and reproduction.
Any life form would have had to live for many millions of years
in order to evolve a reproductive system to produce more of itself.

There is no evidence of any non-reproductive individual or species living that long.
Back to Romans 1-27

    There is no God !
 Nevin Hawlman

As all the over-educated minds know; Humanity and inhumanity got here by some accidental or random mutation or meeting or mixing or collaboration or collusion of life-giving components with no one and no thing intervening or even watching. Because there was no one on day one.

This very exacting recipe for you and for me just happened by the coincidental collision of just exactly the right ingredients in just exactly the right proportions under just exactly the right conditions. There was no romance or design, or guidance of any sort involved; we just magically materialized over eons of time.

Every life form from Worms to Whistling Swans to Wallabies to Wolves to Whales to We. We all got here by the same pipe line; We just rolled around and squirmed and bumped into everything in sight (without eyes having yet evolved). And once upon a time (after an eternity or two or three), with many bumps and bruises some of the random ingredients stuck together, or something !

And sooner or later, after a kazillion years with no reproductive system having evolved to make more of us in the interim, we made more of us. Otherwise those evolving ancestors would have had to live kazillions of years in order for individuals to evolve prior to and without the complicated and precise reproductive parts and processes we have today.

In Millennium One, Eva was busily boiling her brew on the back burner of her primeval laboratory in the black abyss of space, while waiting for some molecular magic to make an appearance on the front burner.

And there we were!!  Having not yet evolved limbs to lift the Styrofoam cup nor mouths to accept nourishment; lying in a Burger King drive-thru which had evolved much earlier,  with bricks and mortar, and glass of melted sand, and plastic seats, and Security Cameras.

These things are so exceedingly simple compared to a wiggling Worm with or without a Digestive System, or a Weed Seed, or Mother with Mammary Glands and Umbilical Cord, or the chicken and the Egg, or the Egg Tooth, or the Tooth Fairy.

But right there was the early attempt of Eva Lution, in the process of trying to make something out of nothing in the form of this inhuman Being, and the problem at hand was how to get to that French Fry Window!

With no worry of being run over, because SUV's had not evolved yet. Hopefully some apparatus had evolved to allow us to absorb French Fry nutrients through our skin if we ever made it up over that blessed (ooops!) curb.

However we chewed before we evolved Teeth worked ok, because as proof; here we descendants are. So what power put Teeth in our mouths, and when did that Tongue appear to shove the food under the chomping Teeth?

It must have evolved after Teeth unless it evolved to lick Ice Cream Cones at the Dairy Queen across from Burger King. And if it truly did evolve after Teeth, why was it necessary, since the Tooth bearer survived all those zillions of years while the Tongue was evolving ?

But no hurry, evolution takes a lot of time! Maybe we'll just put nourishment on a back burner for now. Lets work on balance; the inner Ear and Semi-circular Canal with its Fluid, and Anvil and Stirrup up there. We don't want to look tipsy if we ever reach that French Fry window and get recorded by the security cameras and put on the TV Evening News.

If I seem to digress, no problem; there's no rhyme or reason here in Evaland. But how in the World did we manage to survive for all those kazillions of years while Eva was trying to get reproduction just right. Imagine when some of those physical parts were under our arm pits, which had very easily evolved before the reproductive parts got positioned just exactly right to be complimentary. 

Don't you ever wonder; "where are all the mistakes, misfits, and dead ends which must have evolved during the evolution of relatively few nearly-perfect us ?" There must have been a kazillion Evalutures that didn't make the grade and got discarded in the murky mud of mistakes.

Surely our Archaeologists would have unearthed those imperfect bones with their random placement of body parts , like a nose under an arm pit beside the Muscle at the end of the digestive tract. Just imagine the disgust before that Muscle evolved.

Maybe those mistakes, misfits, and dead ends with imperfect bones are right here; walking among us. Maybe they parade their posters in public places proudly proclaiming their perversion.

Maybe they permeate our political system to cast their vote for their kind or govern the very media that permits and promotes their programs and philosophy. Maybe they reject Christianity because they fail to fit the mold.

In this real world, where things which are left to their own devices tend to deteriorate and rot or rust or break or fall apart or  blow away; could not Apes have evolved from Man? Could not the mistakes and misfits be continuing their evolution down the Path of Deterioration and Destruction?

Would you believe me if I told you that I did not plan, promote, or punctuate, the piece above penned; that I sat down at my Board of Keys, and it just happened without any input or guidance from me; that it just accidentally "evolved".

What all those over-educated minds may have failed to learn is Romans 1-22. If there be an over-educated unbeliever among us, let them stand up and reinforce the Psalm.

Happy HolyDays and
Merry CHRISTmas to one and all,

Nevin Hawlman
December 17, 2005 AD

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